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Can’t deal with negativity anymore

October 23, 2014

There used to be a time when I could be a sponge and soak up all the emotional vomit I encountered, wipe it clean from one place without affecting me. Not anymore. I think my sponge has become full. I can’t take negativity anymore. I can’t clean up the emotional vomit. I feel like puking myself, getting violent thoughts. My system is refusing to hear negativity. I want to shout back, shout shut the fuck up at the top of my lungs. I want to raise my voice, I want hit my head against the wall.

I didn’t do any of those things.  The negativity was contained once more. But it leaves me depressed, it leaves me scarred. And the roots of negativity still remain. I know it will appear again and again. And I will lose my cool again one day. Coz I just don’t want to deal with negativity again.

It’s all about Money?

December 22, 2013

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So from what I understand, this Devyani Khobragade – Sangeeta Richard case is about a maid who was getting Rs. 30K per month but claiming she should be getting about three times that.

The US – India diplomatic ties being strained because of this, and rightly so. Whatever said and done, Devyani is in the US on a official passport and the “crime” doesn’t warrant the treatment meted out.

And then there’s the issue of mistreatment of the maid. Sure we should treat this in the context of the country where these two were at that time, but should we also not treat this in the context of salary levels in the country these two people belonged. At the end of the day it’s all about money. I am not aware of the full facts, but hey the whole world is speculating and so I might as well too. Have you ever heard of a maid getting Rupees Thirty Thousand even when it is full time live in maid? To me this does seem like a case of money and trying to get into a foreign country on the promise to make a better life. Doesn’t seem like the “caste” and “class” case made out to be.

There are the usual arguments that we in India don’t value life, one segment constantly exploiting the other segment. In my view, in today’s urban Indian situation, it really is a case of demand and supply in the labour market. There are just more people available and that are ready to take up jobs for long hours. While we lament the middle class for exploiting the “poor”, at least in urban India, I haven’t seen anyone putting a gun on anyone’s head to take up jobs. The “poor” are completely free to walk away, and many do. I am not saying there are absolutely no cases of exploitation. Sure there might be, but then those are specific criminal cases. One cannot use those to generalize the alleged exploitation. India fundamentally is still socialist at heart. The media roots for the “poor” all the time so much so that it’s almost scary to make money the honest way.

Alone

October 20, 2013
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Recently I spent some time alone. No phone calls, no messages with anyone I know. Just time with myself and a whole lot of strangers on the streets. I went alone, saw a movie alone, had a beer in a restaurant alone, and walked the streets alone.

It’s not that I haven’t been alone earlier. I spent quite some time living all by myself in a different city. It took me a few months to adjust to an empty house and to lonely weekends. And then I found new hobbies, new friends, new ways to get around. But this one was different. I was alone by choice, getting away from it all, whatever that “it” was. But you know what, spending the time alone was good. It was good to just be with myself. I should do it again sometime, and spend some time with myself.

Disappointment

October 13, 2013

I have always lived without any expectations from others, always fearing disappointment if the expectations were not met. But at times I have let my guard down and actually expected certain behavior, certain reactions from people close to me. And then when that does not happen, I am really very disappointed.

Should I really not have ANY expectations from people close to me? I should be prepared for disappointments when I do, no matter how close.

 

How to Lose a Girl in Five Easy Steps

October 5, 2013

Much of this gyan comes from a girl, so I completely believe these to be true. The following list assume that you can’t just disappear from the girl’s life completely, which in my view is a pathetic thing to do anyway.

How to lose a girl in five easy steps:

  1. Don’t give her your time. It seems girls want your time more than anything else. And it’s not always physical time spent together. It is time you give her on phone, chats, or any other medium. So when you have long conversations you are encouraging the girl to become closer to you. You want to lose a girl, significantly limit the time you give to her.
  2. Take your time to respond. How long you take to respond to her messages, pings, social media posts etc. gives her an indication of your interest in her. Responding almost immediately tells her something. Responding within 10 minutes, responding within 30 minutes, responding in a few hours, responding in a few days, all these tell her your interest level in her. If you want to lose a girl, take your time in responding to her messages.
  3. Keep conversations official. Being completely incommunicado may not always be an option especially if you are working/studying with the girl. However what your conversations are around is a good way to manage the relationship. Staying off all personal topics in your conversations is a good idea. You might think it is polite to have a conversation around off-work topics, but it isn’t. It is encouraging the girl to share and feel closer to you. So keep your conversations to your work/studies.
  4. Introduce a “there’s someone else” angle. Now this is a tricky one. Girls seem to be more attracted towards unavailable men these days and this isn’t always a deterrent. So be careful of how you introduce this. It might just go either way. The girl just might become more determined to stick on. But it may work at times.
  5. Introduce a “you are one among the many” angle. Now this one is more likely to get you to lose the girl quickly, at least emotionally. Emotionally girls don’t want to share their man. While there being one someone else may make them determined to work harder, being one amongst many makes them run away faster. They may still want you physically, but mentally it’s going to be harder for them to connect.

 

So there you are, how to lose a girl in five easy steps. Feel free to add your observations.

 

Mirror mirror

September 30, 2013

Every now and then I encounter the mirror.

 

“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

“You are the ugliest of them all”, the mirror responds.

 

And then I wonder what’s the point of it all. Who am I kidding. There are so many ugly scars and deep dark ugly alleys in the labyrinth of mind that surface even without my knowing. It is hard to look at the mirror that shows the ugly side of me. It is hard to face that mirror and I just want to turn my back and run away. I want to live in a make believe world where I look good. I know deep down there are many many flaws. That’s why I try to make each compartment complete in itself, where I can look good in each of them.

And then as I write this, another mirror appears. That of self-centered-ness. That of being so full of myself and living for myself. That I am not really living for anyone else but myself. I wonder what events in life triggered that and when I became like that.

Can I live with that? Can I live with who I really am? I need to be able to deal with myself, come to terms with myself. Until then I don’t know where to hide.

Experiments with Truth

September 30, 2013

Can I really be truthful? Can I really share all the details, all interactions? Sometimes it’s just time and things get missed out. Sometimes I just don’t. And now as I embark on this experiment with truth, I am having butterflies in my stomach. Feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, fear all at the same time. It’s painful to reveal myself. It’s painful to go back in the past and share those stupid moments, those moments of weakness, those moments of deceit.

It is easy to not share. It is easy to brush it aside, after all I managed to for all these years. Why am I going through this pain, this really vulnerable feeling? Which way will the experiment go? Will it make things better or worst? I don’t know. But I am taking this huge leap of faith. Scared, my heart pounding, I am jumping off a cliff.

 

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