Recently I spent some time alone. No phone calls, no messages with anyone I know. Just time with myself and a whole lot of strangers on the streets. I went alone, saw a movie alone, had a beer in a restaurant alone, and walked the streets alone.
It’s not that I haven’t been alone earlier. I spent quite some time living all by myself in a different city. It took me a few months to adjust to an empty house and to lonely weekends. And then I found new hobbies, new friends, new ways to get around. But this one was different. I was alone by choice, getting away from it all, whatever that “it” was. But you know what, spending the time alone was good. It was good to just be with myself. I should do it again sometime, and spend some time with myself.
I have always lived without any expectations from others, always fearing disappointment if the expectations were not met. But at times I have let my guard down and actually expected certain behavior, certain reactions from people close to me. And then when that does not happen, I am really very disappointed.
Should I really not have ANY expectations from people close to me? I should be prepared for disappointments when I do, no matter how close.
Much of this gyan comes from a girl, so I completely believe these to be true. The following list assume that you can’t just disappear from the girl’s life completely, which in my view is a pathetic thing to do anyway.
How to lose a girl in five easy steps:
- Don’t give her your time. It seems girls want your time more than anything else. And it’s not always physical time spent together. It is time you give her on phone, chats, or any other medium. So when you have long conversations you are encouraging the girl to become closer to you. You want to lose a girl, significantly limit the time you give to her.
- Take your time to respond. How long you take to respond to her messages, pings, social media posts etc. gives her an indication of your interest in her. Responding almost immediately tells her something. Responding within 10 minutes, responding within 30 minutes, responding in a few hours, responding in a few days, all these tell her your interest level in her. If you want to lose a girl, take your time in responding to her messages.
- Keep conversations official. Being completely incommunicado may not always be an option especially if you are working/studying with the girl. However what your conversations are around is a good way to manage the relationship. Staying off all personal topics in your conversations is a good idea. You might think it is polite to have a conversation around off-work topics, but it isn’t. It is encouraging the girl to share and feel closer to you. So keep your conversations to your work/studies.
- Introduce a “there’s someone else” angle. Now this is a tricky one. Girls seem to be more attracted towards unavailable men these days and this isn’t always a deterrent. So be careful of how you introduce this. It might just go either way. The girl just might become more determined to stick on. But it may work at times.
- Introduce a “you are one among the many” angle. Now this one is more likely to get you to lose the girl quickly, at least emotionally. Emotionally girls don’t want to share their man. While there being one someone else may make them determined to work harder, being one amongst many makes them run away faster. They may still want you physically, but mentally it’s going to be harder for them to connect.
So there you are, how to lose a girl in five easy steps. Feel free to add your observations.
Every now and then I encounter the mirror.
“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
“You are the ugliest of them all”, the mirror responds.
And then I wonder what’s the point of it all. Who am I kidding. There are so many ugly scars and deep dark ugly alleys in the labyrinth of mind that surface even without my knowing. It is hard to look at the mirror that shows the ugly side of me. It is hard to face that mirror and I just want to turn my back and run away. I want to live in a make believe world where I look good. I know deep down there are many many flaws. That’s why I try to make each compartment complete in itself, where I can look good in each of them.
And then as I write this, another mirror appears. That of self-centered-ness. That of being so full of myself and living for myself. That I am not really living for anyone else but myself. I wonder what events in life triggered that and when I became like that.
Can I live with that? Can I live with who I really am? I need to be able to deal with myself, come to terms with myself. Until then I don’t know where to hide.
Can I really be truthful? Can I really share all the details, all interactions? Sometimes it’s just time and things get missed out. Sometimes I just don’t. And now as I embark on this experiment with truth, I am having butterflies in my stomach. Feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, fear all at the same time. It’s painful to reveal myself. It’s painful to go back in the past and share those stupid moments, those moments of weakness, those moments of deceit.
It is easy to not share. It is easy to brush it aside, after all I managed to for all these years. Why am I going through this pain, this really vulnerable feeling? Which way will the experiment go? Will it make things better or worst? I don’t know. But I am taking this huge leap of faith. Scared, my heart pounding, I am jumping off a cliff.
Is it compartmentalization or living a lie?
The truth depends on each person’s point of view.
Some time back I had wondered who I really was. And figured that I am no one person but play different roles in life. We compartmentalize our lives, knowingly or unknowingly. Compartments of office, family, friends and multiple compartments within each of these too. There are of course many intersecting portions of our compartments. With some people we try to work towards creating more and more intersections. But still some portions are left standing alone. Sometimes those are by design but many times the stand alone portions just happen. This may be because there is limited time for interaction and you try to interact keeping in mind what’s important for the other person. It’s not that you are focusing on not sharing something, but more on sharing what might be more important to the person you are interacting with, given the limited time.
Can someone other than you truly know your life map? To an extent yes. There are people who we share our compartments more with. They see most of the intersections and build your life map almost as well as you know it. But there may be things that even you don’t know that you know. There may be interpretations to what they see and then they build the missing portions of life map based on those perceptions.
“Why can’t you just be yourself when you are with me?”
But I am… I am being myself. Sometimes the life map is visible earlier, sometimes a little later. But it is all there. There are those compartments, and then there are the intersections. And you can see it all, from 30,000 foot, below so clearly. Just as I see your life map… sometimes earlier, sometimes a little later.