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Dad-Son Conversation

January 8, 2009

I couldn’t believe this is on Pakistan’s most widely circulated English language newspaper Dawn’s website.

NAKED LUNCH: Blow Daddy -DAWN Images; January 04, 2009

Not sure how long it will stay on, or whether it will have the same fate as Pakistan’s National Security Advisor Durrani for “being too candid on the tricky issue of Mumbai carnage suspect Ajmal Kasab”. Just in case it does, here’s the article as it appeared on that website.



By Nadeem F. Paracha

Yes, son.

Are we going to have a war with India?


Oh, goody. We will thrash them, right? Like we did in 1857!

It wasn’t in 1857, son.

Oh, okay. But whom did we thrash in 1857?

The British, son…

And the Hindus too, right?


Did Quaid-i-Azam fight in that war along with Muhammad bin Qasim and Imran Khan?

No, son. The Quaid and Imran were born much later and Muhammad bin Qasim died many years before.

Then who ruled Pakistan in those days?

There was no Pakistan in those days, son.

But there was always a Pakistan! It has been there for 5,000 years!

Who have you been talking to, son?

No one. I’ve just been watching TV.

It figures.

Daddy, why are all these people against us Arabs?

Arabs? But we aren’t Arabs, son.

Of course we are because our ancestors were Arabs!

No, son. Our ancestors were of the subcontinental stock.


Never mind.You seem to like wars, son.

Yes. I like to watch them on TV.

But real wars are fought outside the TV, son.

Really? How is that possible? What sort of a war is that?

Never mind.

Daddy, you look worried.

Of course, I am, you little warmongering punk!

Daddy! Why are you scolding me?

Because TV is talking rot and so are you!

Daddy, are you supporting Hindus?


Daddy, have you become a kafir?

Keep quiet! No more TV for you! Go watch a movie on DVD or listen to a CD.

Can’t do that.

But we have so many DVDs and CDs, son.

Not any more.

What do you mean?

I burned them all.


I burned them all.

I heard that! But why?

They spread obscenity.

Oh, God. Son, go do your homework. What happened to that science project you were working on?

It’s almost complete.

Good boy. What are you making?

A bomb.


A bomb.

I heard that! But why?

Because I am a true Muslim who hates America.

But only last week you wanted to go to Disney Land.

That’s different.

How come?

Mickey Mouse is Muslim.

No, he isn’t.

Is so. He converted when he heard azaan on the moon.

On the moon?

Yes. Because the earth is flat and…


The earth is…

I heard that!

Daddy, do you want to see my science project, or not?

Gosh, that bomb? But your science teacher will fail you.

No, she wont.


Yes. I plan to blow her up as well.

God, what is wrong with you? Go call your mother!

She can’t come.

Why not?

I’ve locked her in the kitchen.

But what for?

A woman’s place is in the kitchen. I will not let her out until she covers herself up peoperly!

But she’s your mother!

She’s also a woman!


So she should be hidden.

Hidden from whom?

The whole world and Tony.


Yes, Tony.

But Tony’s a cat.

Yes. But he’s male.

Son, have you gone mad?

No. By the way, I’ve made sure Kitto starts covering up as well.


Yes, Kittto.

But Kitto’s a cat!

Yes. But a female cat.

But she’ll suffocate.

Oh, she’s already dead.


She’s already dead.

I heard that! But how?

I buried her alive.

You what?

Yes. To avenge Tony’s honour. But now I will behead Tony.

But why?

To save mom’s honour!

Oh, God!

Don’t say that. Always say Allah.

What’s the difference?

Daddy, do you want to be beheaded too?


Do you want to be stoned to death?


Do you want to be flogged?


Do you want to get your arms chopped off?


Then stop asking silly questions. By the way, I won’t call you daddy anymore.

What will you call me then?

Whatever that is Arabic for daddy.

I don’t know any Arabic, son.

That’s because you are a kafir.

Who the heck are you to tell me who I am, you little fascist twit!

What’s a fascist?

An irrational, violent, self-righteous mad man!

W… aaaaaaa…

Why are you crying?

You scolded me.

Okay, I’m sorry. You have to be tolerant and rational, son. Now be a good boy and go read a book instead of watching TV.

I have no books.

Of course, you do. I bought you so many books.

I burned them.


I burned them.

But why?

They were all in English.


It’s a non-Muslim language!

But we are speaking English, aren’t we?

W… aaaaaaa…

What now?

Zionists made me forget my Arabic.

But you never knew any Arabic, son.

W… aaaa… yes, I did until you and mommy gave me the polio drops… aaaaa…

Okay, tell me, can you do me a favour?

Sure, dad.

Can you blow up something for me?

Oh, goody! Of course, dad. What should I blow? A CD shop, a hotel, a school…?

No, no, something a lot more sinister.


No, no…

What then?

The TV set!


Blow the TV set.

I heard that! But why?

Just do it!

I see. Dad?


You’re so unconstitutional!

7 Comments leave one →
  1. January 9, 2009 10:41 am

    An amazing article! The satire goes to the core of the problem beautifully. It’s high time some of the offenders realize that when we hit out, we also hurt what lies within.

  2. lifeofhues permalink*
    January 10, 2009 10:39 pm

    Hey Pooja

    Thanks for dropping by. Yes, it does go to the core of the problem. What I found most amazing that the post appeared in a Pakistani news site. So somewhere perhaps the people in Pakistan are also feeling the pinch of terrorism and fundamentalism. Now if only they find their voices heard the world might be a better place.

  3. January 11, 2009 11:19 am

    This was great reading. However the article is not at the link anymore, it is possible they took it down. Just goes to show though that the Pakistani Press is not as bad as we in India think!

  4. lifeofhues permalink*
    January 11, 2009 5:13 pm

    Hi Nita
    I am glad I got this here before it was taken down from the site. I just had a feeling that it would happen :-).

  5. Quirky Indian permalink
    January 13, 2009 10:57 am

    That was brilliant. And I’m impressed with the Pakistani press for publishing it.


    Quirky Indian

  6. Vass Sidd permalink
    January 21, 2009 10:37 am

    Hey, nice blog. 🙂 This guy, Nadeem F. Paracha, is a pretty famous satire writer and journalist in Pakistan, a bit crazy and very controversial. He writes every week in Pakistan’s leading english daily, Dawn. Check this out. This is from his last week’s column:

  7. lifeofhues permalink*
    January 21, 2009 4:32 pm

    Thanks for dropping by Vass. Glad you like the blog. Thanks for the link to his latest post. I now realize that Dawn website doesn’t really have any archives. It reuses the same links to post new stories. So the link in my original post now points to the story you are mentioning. And tomorrow the same link might point to another story altogether.

    I hope more writers have the courage and wit to write like Nadeem. Perhaps they are already writing in Pakistan but what we the people get fed with are the standard spiel by politicians and diplomats. While there is no smoke without fire, writings like these raise hopes that perhaps sense will prevail some day.

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