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Waiting for Death

July 30, 2015

noose-312261_640With the latest death penalty victim, Yakub Memon, there’s a lot of debate on whether there should be death penalty or not. I am not going to add to the debate. It is an endless debate. But the episode with all the media hoopla around it and a discussion around it got me thinking about Death.

Come to think of it, in life, death itself is certain. No one is immortal, at least not yet, and each one of us is destined to die one day for sure. And yet death is completely unpredictable. One could die any moment due accident or heart failure, or live a long life of more than a hundred years. No one can predict when one will die. Now think of this from the viewpoint of a person on death penalty. The person knows exactly when he/she will die, the date and time of his/her death is predictable (well almost). Imagine living like that. Three days from now, at 7:00am you will die. Just living through that is a creepy harsh punishment.

Burnout

July 23, 2015

The rot didn’t set in one fine day. I don’t know when it started but I think many years ago. The signs were visible but the rot had not fully surfaced. Before the rot could surface fully, I got a reprieve. The change renewed me without my knowing it. The momentum continued for a few years but it didn’t last too long. The rot started to set in again.

The rot of depression, of total lack of interest, the rot of emptiness inside, the rot of helplessness, the rot of feeling of not being in control, the rot of not wanting to take control of my life, the rot of not achieving anything, the rot of complete lack of creativity, the rot of just letting it all go, the rot of being unsocial, the rot that eats you from within and leaves you hollow and empty.

The remedies are not unknown if only I would use them. But no, I am not using them. I know all the pep talk, all the tips and tricks, all the right things that one needs to do in a state like this. I could meditate, pray, take up a hobby, exercise, read, do something creative, go on a holiday, or some shit like that. But I don’t.

I do have a convenient reason to put the blame on someone else, but I also know that’s just fooling myself. At the end of the day, it’s my life and I gotta take control of it.

Perhaps the rot hasn’t completed eroded me. Perhaps it should before I completely come out of it. I am dangerously heading in that direction. Something inside me tells me to just let it all go, give everything up. But by internal alarm systems are holding me back. It’s the same risk averse system that holds me back from doing many other things, and it’s just letting me continue in my rot. My system won’t let me live and it won’t let me die (figuratively).

Can’t deal with negativity anymore

October 23, 2014

There used to be a time when I could be a sponge and soak up all the emotional vomit I encountered, wipe it clean from one place without affecting me. Not anymore. I think my sponge has become full. I can’t take negativity anymore. I can’t clean up the emotional vomit. I feel like puking myself, getting violent thoughts. My system is refusing to hear negativity. I want to shout back, shout shut the fuck up at the top of my lungs. I want to raise my voice, I want hit my head against the wall.

I didn’t do any of those things.  The negativity was contained once more. But it leaves me depressed, it leaves me scarred. And the roots of negativity still remain. I know it will appear again and again. And I will lose my cool again one day. Coz I just don’t want to deal with negativity again.

It’s all about Money?

December 22, 2013

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So from what I understand, this Devyani Khobragade – Sangeeta Richard case is about a maid who was getting Rs. 30K per month but claiming she should be getting about three times that.

The US – India diplomatic ties being strained because of this, and rightly so. Whatever said and done, Devyani is in the US on a official passport and the “crime” doesn’t warrant the treatment meted out.

And then there’s the issue of mistreatment of the maid. Sure we should treat this in the context of the country where these two were at that time, but should we also not treat this in the context of salary levels in the country these two people belonged. At the end of the day it’s all about money. I am not aware of the full facts, but hey the whole world is speculating and so I might as well too. Have you ever heard of a maid getting Rupees Thirty Thousand even when it is full time live in maid? To me this does seem like a case of money and trying to get into a foreign country on the promise to make a better life. Doesn’t seem like the “caste” and “class” case made out to be.

There are the usual arguments that we in India don’t value life, one segment constantly exploiting the other segment. In my view, in today’s urban Indian situation, it really is a case of demand and supply in the labour market. There are just more people available and that are ready to take up jobs for long hours. While we lament the middle class for exploiting the “poor”, at least in urban India, I haven’t seen anyone putting a gun on anyone’s head to take up jobs. The “poor” are completely free to walk away, and many do. I am not saying there are absolutely no cases of exploitation. Sure there might be, but then those are specific criminal cases. One cannot use those to generalize the alleged exploitation. India fundamentally is still socialist at heart. The media roots for the “poor” all the time so much so that it’s almost scary to make money the honest way.

Alone

October 20, 2013
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Recently I spent some time alone. No phone calls, no messages with anyone I know. Just time with myself and a whole lot of strangers on the streets. I went alone, saw a movie alone, had a beer in a restaurant alone, and walked the streets alone.

It’s not that I haven’t been alone earlier. I spent quite some time living all by myself in a different city. It took me a few months to adjust to an empty house and to lonely weekends. And then I found new hobbies, new friends, new ways to get around. But this one was different. I was alone by choice, getting away from it all, whatever that “it” was. But you know what, spending the time alone was good. It was good to just be with myself. I should do it again sometime, and spend some time with myself.

Disappointment

October 13, 2013

I have always lived without any expectations from others, always fearing disappointment if the expectations were not met. But at times I have let my guard down and actually expected certain behavior, certain reactions from people close to me. And then when that does not happen, I am really very disappointed.

Should I really not have ANY expectations from people close to me? I should be prepared for disappointments when I do, no matter how close.

 

How to Lose a Girl in Five Easy Steps

October 5, 2013

Much of this gyan comes from a girl, so I completely believe these to be true. The following list assume that you can’t just disappear from the girl’s life completely, which in my view is a pathetic thing to do anyway.

How to lose a girl in five easy steps:

  1. Don’t give her your time. It seems girls want your time more than anything else. And it’s not always physical time spent together. It is time you give her on phone, chats, or any other medium. So when you have long conversations you are encouraging the girl to become closer to you. You want to lose a girl, significantly limit the time you give to her.
  2. Take your time to respond. How long you take to respond to her messages, pings, social media posts etc. gives her an indication of your interest in her. Responding almost immediately tells her something. Responding within 10 minutes, responding within 30 minutes, responding in a few hours, responding in a few days, all these tell her your interest level in her. If you want to lose a girl, take your time in responding to her messages.
  3. Keep conversations official. Being completely incommunicado may not always be an option especially if you are working/studying with the girl. However what your conversations are around is a good way to manage the relationship. Staying off all personal topics in your conversations is a good idea. You might think it is polite to have a conversation around off-work topics, but it isn’t. It is encouraging the girl to share and feel closer to you. So keep your conversations to your work/studies.
  4. Introduce a “there’s someone else” angle. Now this is a tricky one. Girls seem to be more attracted towards unavailable men these days and this isn’t always a deterrent. So be careful of how you introduce this. It might just go either way. The girl just might become more determined to stick on. But it may work at times.
  5. Introduce a “you are one among the many” angle. Now this one is more likely to get you to lose the girl quickly, at least emotionally. Emotionally girls don’t want to share their man. While there being one someone else may make them determined to work harder, being one amongst many makes them run away faster. They may still want you physically, but mentally it’s going to be harder for them to connect.

 

So there you are, how to lose a girl in five easy steps. Feel free to add your observations.

 

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